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What’s the difference between therapy and coaching? This is a common question from individuals trying to decide whether the life challenges they are experiencing are at the level of needing a coach or needing a therapist. There is a lot of overlap between both practices particularly if the therapist you are considering is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Both CBT and coaching will consider what goals the person wants to accomplish. Both will use methods to help the individual understand what the blockages might be caused by, and determine strategies to help the individual change how they think about and perceive situations or topics in life. So what’s the difference, you might be asking? Essentially, therapy is going to address mental health disorders…behaviors which meet the criteria for a diagnosed  disorder. Often these disorders have gotten to severe levels in a person’s life and are causing a significant disruption in their daily functioning. Because of this, therapy is based on an intervention and medical model and is going to focus on mental illness. Coaching, on the other hand, will help individuals manage thoughts and behaviors before they create dysfunction, when things are starting to impact relationships, work, school, and other life areas. Coaches work from a prevention model – what strategies can be put in place before there are serious disruptions.

Once a person’s severe symptoms have reduced, it is not uncommon for individuals to switch from working with a therapist to working with a coach, or to work with both professionals simultaneously. A coach will support the individual to maintain their emotional and behavioral functioning, and work on the life or business goals that they could not focus on when their thoughts and behaviors got in the way.  In addition, for some people the idea of working with a “coach” versus a “therapist” has less of a stigma associated with it, allowing for the work to be done even more effectively without the cognitive block in the way.

So how do you know what you need? Let’s use one of most common life challenges: anxiety. Anxiety, like most emotional or behavioral issues, exists along a spectrum. At the low level are our minor worries. They pass quickly and don’t linger. At the other end of the spectrum is an anxiety disorder, a debilitating condition which stops an individual from functioning in all areas of their life. In between is where worries build to frequent anxiousness or periodic invasive thinking, and finally to unrelenting, global anxiety. Coaching can help at those early and even mid-stages of the spectrum. Once the anxiety reaches that global level, therapy is a better option.

Anyone can call themselves a coach so it is important to know what to look for to determine if the life or executive coach is qualified to help support your needs and goals:

1. Find someone who has training in cognitive behavioral strategies. Ask them how long and what type of training they went through. Some coaches learned about cognitive behavioral approaches over a 2- to 4-year graduate program, with supervised experiences; others learn these strategies in a weekend course.
2. Other coaches go through training programs such as those through the International Coaching Federation (ICF) or the College of Executive Coaching (CEC). These programs are focused on training people to specialize in cognitive behavioral methods.

So ask yourself: How much are my behaviors or emotions getting in the way of my life? Am I working to prevent these from getting worse, or are they at a level where intervention is necessary? Are my emotional or behavioral challenges at a level to now learn how to maintain this functional state, and begin finding ways to achieve my personal, academic or professional goals? These questions can help determine what type of professional can be the most beneficial to support reaching your goals.

Joy. Lately I’ve heard from many patients, friends and family that it is getting harder to “find joy”.  Students feeling trapped in an endless timeline of Zoom classes. Families getting on each other’s nerves. Parents multitasking their roles of employees and home school teachers. Individuals feeling isolated. How do you “find joy” when there seems to be so much creating fear, sadness and anxiety?

The problem isn’t about finding joy; it is about seeing joy. Crises can train our brains to focus only on those things related to the crises. This happens for two reasons. The first is priming. When we tell ourselves that “everything is horrible”, our brains hear us and then focus on stories or experiences which support this belief. We told our brains what to look for and our brains simply comply. The second challenge to seeing joy is confirmation bias. Our brains hold on to information and data which support our beliefs. If we tell our brains “this is so hard”, our brains will search for information to align with the belief (priming) and then our brains will hold tightly to that information, prohibiting contrary information in be retained in our consciousness. In essence, when we tell our brains there isn’t anything to be joyful about, our brains prove us right!

I’m hoping you are now thinking, “I don’t want that! But how can I retrain my brain to see joy?” One effective strategy is to write a joy list before bed every night. Keep a pad of paper or journal next to your bed and write down at least three things from the day that brought you happiness, made you smile, created a sense of calm. These are likely not big events like winning the lottery or getting engaged (although if either of those occur, congratulations!). Instead, seeing joy is about the small, brief moments occurring everyday in your life: a bird taking a bath in a puddle (a personal favorite of mine), a stranger smiling at you, how warm your home feels after being outside on a New England winter day, your pet laying at your feet. You don’t have to limit yourself to three things, but by challenging yourself at the beginning of this practice to find at least three things, you push your brain past the belief that there’s “nothing joyful”. You retrain your brain to search for the joy all day long because you tell it to, knowing you’ll be writing them down at night. And, because these are the last things you think about before sleep, your brain will play with these thoughts all night long, potentially resulting in a better night’s sleep and you waking up feeling calmer or less anxious.

Step 1: Tell your brain to search for the little joys during your day.

Step 2: Pay attention to the moments and things that make you smile or feel happy, even if it is a brief second.

Step 3: Make the time to recall these moments before bed and write them down.

If you do this every night, within a short period of time, your brain will start to accept the idea that life is good and joyful. It will become your go-to style of thinking because you told your brain to. And if you want to stimulate this practice, give yourself the gift of listening to the podcast posted on the Blog page, or search for “The Show of Delights” in This American Life…it will make you smile at least once (but likely more) during the hour and might just make it on to your joy list tonight.

Just a little something for your insight. – Dr. Robin

There is fascinating research on how historical events shape the overall characteristics of each generation. For example, individuals in the Veterans generation (~1920s-1945) were shaped by World War II and the Great Depression. Because of these events, this generation tends to be stable, frugal and hard working. They tend to be more conforming and dislike change. Those born approximately between 1946 and 1964, the Baby Boomers, were shaped by Civil Rights and Vietnam, feminism and the Cold War. They thrive on change and tend to be optimistic. My generation, Gen X (~1965-1982), was influenced by corporate layoffs, working mothers and divorce. We learned to be adaptable, independent and cynical. Millennials (~1983-2000) were shaped by the 9/11 attacks, multiculturalism and the Internet. They are digital natives, who value diversity and morality.

But it is Gen Z who is the focus of 2021. The kids born after 2001 and whose generation is still growing. Why are they the focus? Because one of the most common questions in 2020 has been What about these kids? Their daily lives were altered in 2020. Questions regarding the “things that they missed” or how this year might detrimentally affect their futures circulated.

We already know some of the events which have impacted this generation: LGBTQIA+ rights, social media and climate change. Most researchers believe that because of these, Gen Z will be characterized by individuals who are realistic, inspired to improve the world and globally aware. As of this year, we can now add the pandemic to that list of influences. So what did the pandemic and all its factors do for Gen Z? These will likely be individuals who are highly resilient and adaptable. They will have less emphasis on traditional ceremonies or protocols, and instead find ways to celebrate, interact or work which truly meet their needs and wants. They will never again be limited by the concepts of physical boundaries, and they will be critical analyzers of information from media and “established” leaders. And when I think about this, I am amazed and hopeful for their generation. These characteristics, including those created due to the pandemic, are what will allow this generation of children and adolescents to take charge of their individual lives and make a difference in the world. They will be the leaders when many of us are older and I can only hope that most of us will be around to see the powerful impact this generation, born of struggle and crisis, will make. So while challenging in the moments of 2020, the pandemic made our kids strong and flexible, much like fire tempers steel. For that, we might find gratitude from 2020.

Just a little something for your insight. – Dr. Robin

Kogan, M. (2001). Bridging the gap. Government Executive, 14 (2).

Lancaster, L. & Stillman, D. (2003). When Generations Collide. New York: Harper Business.

Robert, S. (1999). Generational differences make a difference. Business Insurance, 33 (27).

The predominant perspective on 2020 was a year filled with negative events. From politics to a pandemic, there were many stories, events and moments which seemed like they came out of some dystopian novel. But challenges bring opportunities for learning and growth that would not likely occur in times of ease and comfort. So what gifts did 2020 provide to you?

• You faced challenge after challenge, and kept moving forward.
• You learned to adapt.
• You overcame fear and anxiety.
• You accepted those things that were out of your control.
• You learned to live with uncertainty.
• You realized the people in your life who truly meant the most to you, and devoted time and energy to them.
• You identified the things you could live without, and those things you could not, learning what was most important to you.
• You took care of yourself in ways that worked for you.
• You got to know yourself.
• You learned new definitions for “connection” and found different ways to connect.

So how can you use these to shape 2021?

• Decide on three from the list, or create your own.
• Write those three 2020 outcomes down – on a piece of paper for your wallet, on a note in your phone, in a set place in your planner. Maybe, like me, one of yours was that you accepted those things out of your control and learned to live with uncertainty.
• As 2021 progresses, and you experience new moments of less control or higher uncertainty, you can note that you have experienced these before, and managed them successfully. In essence, you can use the skills you developed in 2020 to powerfully navigate 2021. By doing so, you take the best parts of the old year to enhance the new one.

Just a little something for your insight. – Dr. Robin

https://anchor.fm/megan-klein5/episodes/Episode-1—Mental-Health-Talks-with-Dr–Robin-Buckley-elr9j4

It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving 2020 is nearly upon us! The holiday season can bring both excitement and anxiety for many people, because of the pressures that come along with it. Thanksgiving can be one of the most difficult holidays for those trying to work on body image acceptance and improving their relationship to food. How can we eat intuitively and not focus on our weight when there are so many “disordered” discussions about food and weight around Thanksgiving time that are considered normal in our society? This year in particular, many of us may be reunited with family that we have not seen in a while and feel self-conscious about many aspects of our lives, including changes in our weight. Here are a few insights I hope to share around eating, Thanksgiving, and body image during COVID-19.

It is OK to eat more, or less, or at different times than the people you are celebrating with.

How many times have you heard someone at your holiday gathering talk about not eating all morning in order to “save up” the calories for the big meal, only to then to afterwards complain about how overly full they are and how they plan on “compensating” for what they consumed? Society normalizes a restrict-binge-purge cycle on Thanksgiving, but that does not mean you have to! Eating breakfast on Thanksgiving day will help you to not be so starving by the time the meal comes that you end up quickly and mindlessly binge eating. Let Thanksgiving be differentiated from any other day by the type of seasonally traditional foods you eat rather than the schedule or amounts. Even better, let it stand out because of the people and the memories.

You can talk about things other than the food.

There are so many things to catch up on in peoples’ lives other than what they are eating. If you know that your family tends to talk about weight, dieting, and exercise regimens, you can cope ahead for this in a few ways. Purchase a new board game to play (or, if you’re over Zoom, you can play virtual games), learn a new card game, or find an interesting movie that everyone can watch together and talk about. Have everyone write down a question that each member of the group answers during the meal. They can be thought provoking or silly, and they do not need to be about food, weight, or eating. If you can identify someone who can be an ally in redirecting judgmental conversations about any of the above, that can help, too. If you notice someone making these types of comments, even if you are not personally upset by them, be an ally to someone else at your table who may be.

Gaining weight during COVID-19 is normal, and okay.

It is not necessary to comment on a person’s (even your own) change in weight. If you have been less active over the past year, that may be because you are doing your part to flatten the curve of COVID-19. This year, many people found themselves placing more mental energy on making and eating food than they usually would because it was one of the few things that they could do while staying inside and socially distant. It is a way to preserve our mental health during a very trying time. When we feel out of control in many areas of life, we often turn to the things we can control, like what we eat. If you find yourself beating yourself up for gaining weight, ask yourself why you are considering weight gain such a negative outcome? The first thing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders will tell you is that it is not about particular foods or a person’s weight. Using food as a way to cope this year is a sign of mental self-preservation. In time, without judgment, dieting, or beating yourself up, your eating patterns will normalize. Commenting on your own weight or someone else’s, even if meant as a compliment, puts value on a person’s appearance over their character.

Let’s remind ourselves of the real reason we are coming together this Thanksgiving; gratitude.

Just a little something for your insight. – Elian

Every year many of us make sure we do things to take care of our physical health. As a female, we go for an annual gynecological appointment and mammogram. We see our dentists twice for cleaning and a check up. We get an annual flu shot. We visit our dermatologists and our ophthalmologists. This list is likely similar to your own steps to care for your physical health. We do all these things, making them a priority on our “to do” lists, because we know that by taking a proactive approach to physical health, we can maintain our health and catch any potential health threats early, when it is easier to address them.

So where on your list of important health “check ins” is your appointment with a therapist?

{crickets chirping in the background}

The majority of people seem to consider the maintenance of mental health from two perspectives. The first perspective is based on mental health as a side benefit of activities which are focused on physical health. For example, for those of you who work out, why do you? The common response is usually in the realm of “to keep my body/heart healthy”. For some, there may be a follow up after some thought – “And it helps my stress.” The primary reason is not to maintain mental health. It is often an afterthought; a happy bonus. So my question is how do you know your workout is helping your mental health? You have distinct criteria to evaluate whether your workout is helping your physical health. You check in with your physician who checks your weight, your BMI, your blood pressure, and maybe lab results regarding your cholesterol, triglycerides and other markers. If your workout isn’t resulting in physical health improvements, then you work with a professional (your physician, a nutritionist, a personal trainer) to adjust your physical strategies to achieve your physical goals.

So I’ll ask again: how do you know your workout is helping your mental health? Most people assume it is, but would you assume your workout is meeting all your physical needs without some markers established by a professional? What if your workout isn’t quite meeting your mental health needs?

The second perspective regarding the maintenance of mental health is related to crisis. People think about their mental health when it is failing and starting to detrimentally impact their daily lives. This approach is opposite the perspective on physical health. With physical health maintenance, we have our yearly check-ins to identify negative issues early, before they become significant and need a higher level of intervention. This does not often translate to the maintenance of mental health. The physical equivalent to this perspective would be going to see a physician regarding the pain in your leg after your leg has gone completely numb, is unusable or the infection has spread to both legs. That sounds ridiculous, right? Then why doesn’t the same apply to mental health? Why wait until the anxiety or depression or negative thoughts become so pervasive that an individual isn’t functioning at his or her best, and the treatment takes longer than if that individual had come in when the pain first started?

What if instead of talking about mental health when there is a problem, we consider the goal of mental wellness?

This would mean establishing a relationship with a therapist, counselor or psychologist and including this professional on your list of annual check-ins. By meeting with this professional once or twice a year, for one or a handful of sessions, you get what I call “booster sessions” (consider these like the booster shots you get for your physical health, but for your mental wellness).  These sessions allow you to focus on what thoughts are working for you, creating beneficial emotions and behaviors, and identify these so you actively use them. It would also provide a trained, outside perspective to identify thoughts which are not working to support your mental wellness, help change them and, thus, prevent detrimental emotions and behaviors. You would be able to catch threats to your mental wellness before they become problematic and metastasize.

Maybe by changing society’s perspective from “mental health issues” to mental wellness, we will reduce the stigma erroneously associated with this topic, equally prioritize both mental wellness and physical health, and clearly see that by taking care of both, we can enhance their positive symbiotic relationship for our overall best selves.

Just a little something for your insight. – Dr. Robin

A friend of mine put a post on Facebook that hit me right in the primitive core of my maternal gut. The post read: “Crazy how it is the small things that make you pause. I went to set the table for dinner and only set out 3 places.” The impact of this post only makes sense when you know that she and her husband have two daughters and she was referring to the first family dinner after dropping her older daughter off for her freshmen year at college. After 16 years of four place settings after the birth of her second, she was down to three, and the emotion in her simple, 2-line post quickly brought me to the moment when one of my daughters might be waving at me in my rearview mirror…likely as I try to quickly drive away before breaking down in tears.

Why is it, though, that moms see this moment with such sadness? That when we think about it happening in the future, it leaves us glad that it isn’t us having to do that this September. And for those moms who are currently experiencing this situation, that they feel it with a sadness that at best has them dreading the drop off date, and at worst, leaves them bereft back at home, sometimes unable to do much else than think about, worry about and miss their child.

But then I began thinking about everything we moms do for our kids’ in the first 18 years, and it all begins the minute we get the verbal confirmation from the doctor or visual confirmation on a peed-upon stick: most of our days are filled with thoughts about how to best care for this child. We research the best foods to eat during pregnancy, and continue this insanity as we debate the virtues of cow milk versus soy milk versus almond milk, et cetera, through their childhoods. We create multicolored, coded calendars to keep track of every immunization, sport, club, playdate, hair cut, orthodontist, pediatrician, dentist, specialist, driver’s ed appointment. We try to figure out how to meet every need and balance every want. To teach them kindness and manners and how to make at least a few recipes and why thank you notes are important. We invest so much and now this person that we have focused so much on is walking out the door, into the world, and leaving us behind. How can that be okay? And when we try to explain this to our significant others, who did not birth or nurture this child in the same way we did, they try to relate, but can’t. (Keep in mind as my husband proofed this blog post, he got to this point, looked up at me, and for the millionth time, confirmed that if there is reincarnation, there is no way he’s coming back as a mom.)

So, yeah, the focus of our energy, time, attention and love is leaving and it hurts. And the craziest part of this reaction is that the purpose of all that energy, time, attention and love was exactly this moment – to prepare our child to live their life out in the world. Instead of numbing emotion, we should have three cognitive realizations (after we allow ourselves 10 minutes to get the tears out).

First, we did this to ourselves. We did everything we could to make this child into a functional, good, independent adult, and yet we are sad about achieving our exact goal. How ironic is that?

Second, YEA, US! We achieved our goal. It likely didn’t follow a perfectly scripted plan, and certainly had plenty of detours, potholes and unexpected accidents, but here that child is, going off, on their own, as we always wanted for them. While there were plenty of times you likely wondered about your capability as a mom, YOU DID IT! If your kid is existing independently at some level, and in general isn’t a jerk, you deserve a commendation from the Global Parenting Consortium (which really should be a thing).

Third – and this is where your ten minutes of negative emotion needs to be done, hon – have you considered what this departure means…wait for it…for you? I know, I know. This may very well be a foreign concept for you. After the kids, and your spouse, the pets, and the house, and your multiple jobs (inside and possibly outside the home), you may consider yourself for about 5 minutes a day. Maybe the 2 minutes you are waiting outside the school to pick up your child from whatever seasonal sport they’re playing. Then maybe another 1 minute as you are brushing your teeth at night. And then, if you are one of the lucky ones, another 2 minutes between your head hitting the pillow and exhaustion knocking you out. Yes, you’ll miss your kid periodically, but this departure means you have more time. Even if you are shaking your head, saying, “Nope, have another one, or two, or three kids still at home to take care of” (I’m going to stop there because if your household is exceeding 4 kids, you deserve a Nobel Prize in Parenting, not just a commendation), that still means that a percentage of your time is now FREE. One less set of appointments and pick up/drop offs. One less presence to add “to dos” to your always expanding list. One less body to drain you of physical, mental and emotional energy every day. Now before you get all defensive, I am aware that it isn’t like your child has just disappeared from the face of the earth and that we, as moms, will still expend energy on the child, but it isn’t at the same intensity as when that child is in the house.

When you let yourself think about your child’s move out of the house in positive terms – and here’s the important part – without feeling guilty about seeing it as a positive event, you can begin to consider what you’d like to devote that extra energy and time to. Hopefully, it is yourself. Ask yourself what are those things you keep telling yourself you want to do, but never had the time to? Reconnect with friends? Try yoga? Go back to running? Read? Start a job you love, rather than one that worked for your family? Paint? Volunteer at an organization other than your child’s school? Take up hang gliding? Go on more dates (or any dates) with your significant other? You get to decide what to do – for you – with that time.

We are allowed to think of ourselves more than that 5 minutes a day. And doing the first two points mentioned earlier wasn’t just good for your kid, it led to the third, which is good for you. So certainly celebrate the milestone your kid has achieved, but then allow yourself to celebrate all you did to help create that milestone for them, and even more, to create this new milestone for yourself.

And maybe for the first few dinners after the college drop off, go out to dinner.

Just a little something for your own insight. – Dr. Robin

It’s an interesting experience as a therapist to face a situation in which you need the strategies and skills you usually help other people apply in their own lives. Our weeks are spent supporting other people through pain, anxiety, depression, sadness, transitions, and so it feels almost surprising when we are suddenly in more of a “patient perspective”. At these times, we experience the polarized effect of our brain warring between what we know to do to manage the situation, and what we are feeling in the situation.

As I write, this is the seat I am in. My German Shepherd, Kona, died unexpectedly yesterday. She was only six years old. We started the day headed to her vet for an annual check-up, with me certain I was being paranoid about some random symptoms and behaviors I’d seen over the past week. Within 10 minutes, the vet was calling to the emergency vet clinic 30 minutes away, telling me to take Kona there immediately due to a mass on her spleen. Once at the clinic, test results revealed her platelets were significantly low and her white blood cell count was significantly high. Further testing confirmed the worst: Kona had stage 5 lymphoma and it had compromised most of her body. With chemotherapy, her life could be extended to another 6-12 months, but the cancer would come back and she would be sick from the chemo during those months. Within four hours of a routine vet appointment, Kona was gone.

It’s been just over 24 hours since then. There are times when my logic and training are fully engaged, and I employ strategies I usually teach my patients. But then are moments when I actively refuse the strategies because for whatever reason, I just want to be sad. I want to grieve. I want to deal with the pain of losing my first dog, my companion, yoga partner, protector, co-therapist, and child, way too soon. Why? It’s an interesting question, particularly after last month’s blog post about a different view on death. I think it simply goes back to the idea that we all manage loss and transitions at an individualized level. My husband, for example, shifted within minutes to remembering good stories about Kona. He asked each family member to pick one story and share it. His was from one of the first days Kona was home. After setting up the puppy “playpen”, Kona scaled it, up and over, then looked at us with what I swear was a look saying, “Did you really expect me to stay in there?” Mine was the time our house was infested with black ants. I was home alone, going from spot to spot, spraying them with bleach. At one point, I felt like some were crawling on me, and I let out a very Hollywood-esque scream. Kona, who was outside, came charging up the front steps, and started jumping and barking at the glass on the front door. I let her in, certain she wouldn’t stop and afraid she’d hurt herself. She went from the spot I’d been in to me, nuzzling my hand, and back again, trying to figure out what was hurting me and how to stop it. While my husband’s approach is an effective strategy, my happy memories of Kona still make me cry. I desperately want to be done with the grieving. I want to “get over this” now. I know all the strategies so why, after 24 hours (and, yes, I get the ridiculousness of that statement), do I still feel like I’ve run into a brick wall, over and over and over?

So we’re back to the individualized grief theory. My husband quickly moved to celebrating Kona’s life. Our younger daughter and I are vacillating between laughter and tears, and our older daughter is slowly moving from her initial, intense anger to the details of a different dog sometime in the future. While grief for a pet is individualized, the strategies to manage it are universally appropriate. Some things to consider:

• Create time to reflect on your experiences with your pet. Whether while meditating, or through journaling, or simply storytelling, as you focus on the positive, funny, heartwarming stories about your pet, your pain transforms, bit by bit, into gratitude;

• Schedule time to process. The world around you will keep going. I saw friends today on Facebook going for hikes, running errands, making plans, and even outside my own window, my husband was building our new deck. Friends had invited us over for dinner, and the disconnect I felt made the grief I was trying to ignore and just “get over” worse. Part of my world had ended, and it didn’t feel right that the rest of the world was functioning like it was a normal day. This was, in part, due to the fact that I didn’t allow time for me to just feel the emotions. Not only didn’t I want to feel them, I also felt like I should be able to manage them better due to my training or to be strong for our kids. But repressing the emotions only results in those emotions getting stronger over time, so allowing them to come out, allowing time to experience them, allows you to acknowledge them. And then when you acknowledge them…

• Identify the thoughts triggering the emotions, and replace them. When I’ve thought of Kona today, the sadness and disbelief usually take over my body, from the bottom of my stomach, up through my chest and into my throat. The thoughts usually go from how much I’ll miss her, to how unfair that we were only together 6 years, to how yesterday started like any normal day and then became unimaginable. These are the avalanche thoughts – the ones that will leave a person reeling and sinking into the sadness. Emotions come from thoughts so to change the emotions, we replace our thoughts. I continue to call up funny and happy memories of Kona. I think about how lucky I am that she was my first dog, and even with all the pain she may have been in over the past few weeks, she was never aggressive or irritable with anyone in our family, including our overactive three-year-old Shepherd. She was amazing, and we were so fortunate to have her;

• Take time. This one is related to the second strategy. We don’t get time off to grieve a pet. Finding ways to calm ourselves, particularly over the next weeks when we continue to function in our daily lives, will help us manage those moments when our grief interrupts our day. Exercise, deep breathing, walks, meditation, yoga, journaling, listening to music, art are all options to relax, reconnect with our breath and reduce our anxiety;

• Maintain routines for yourself, your family, and your other pets. Routines help us establish normalcy, move forward, feel grounded. During this time, they can offer relief for everyone touched by the pet’s absence. As part of the routine, maintain your self-care. This includes eating, drinking water, getting exercise, and sleeping when needed. These essential activities came be disrupted by grief, or the guilt that can come with a pet’s death. I haven’t been hungry today, but I ate three meals. Since I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, I allowed myself to take a nap this afternoon. Grieving is taxing, so help yourself psychologically and physically;

• Memorialize the life with your pet. This can mean different things to different people. My younger daughter asked help in finding a photo of Kona for her room. My older daughter is planning a tattoo of Kona’s name when she is old enough. My husband will do so by sharing memories of her. Me? I needed to move Kona’s bed away from my side of the bed where she slept every night, but once I did that, the space looked very empty. Years ago, my husband found a 12 pound, heart shaped rock on a hike, put it in his backpack, and gave it to me as an anniversary present. I moved that rock today from the spot it has occupied for years, to the corner where Kona’s bed was. Instead of an empty space, now I see a reminder of all the love she brought into my life.

I’ve never lost a pet so this is a new experience for me, and I needed to figure out how to do it, how to make the time to process, how to remind myself of the ways to manage the thoughts and emotions. Writing this was part of my process, so thank you for being part of the process.

And finally, to Kona. I miss you. You will always be part of my heart and my memories. And I am so very thankful we had each other. I love you, Bones.

Just a little something for your insight. – Dr. Robin